I have contemplated my own death ever since I was maybe 14. There were times when the suicidal ideations were much worse, but other times, just there would be the passing thought that I could easily end my life by walking into traffic or finding my father's gun or driving into a boulder at speed or drinking myself to death. There must be some pathology in me that leads me towards atrax morgue, premature ejaculation, and brighter death now. So much of those sounds are called 'post-mortem,' but I don't buy it. I am never concerned with what happens to me afterwards; rather, I'm just wanting to rid myself of this existence. So these artists sound to me like what I would experience before I die, before I want to die, before I choose not to die. There is comfort there. I know that sounds fucked. But that's the truth, or at least that's my truth. bleak, still, unmoving sounds. cold, black noise. emotions in extremis. Nowadays, a lot of this is pop music to my ears. And I want more.
To me, Agonal Breathing is one of the only artists who truly can embrace the 'post-mortem' perspective, the 'post-mortem' sound. She works with dead bodies, she cares for them, she prepares them for what happens to the body after death, and whatever fate comes next. cremation, burial, medical donation, etc. I honestly don't know what she does as a mortician. But I know how she makes me feel through her music. The heavy industrial tones linger in her work. clipped dialogue that may have actually originated from a mortuary, her mortuary. It's as bleak as I want it to be. It honors that horror about death, it treats the dead with respect, and she never provides any answers. we won't know until we know. My only wish is to sink into these sounds forever. Is that heaven?
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